Giant Killer Eels


Dear Japan,

A couple of years ago, I bought my wife one of your Wii consoles for Christmas. She liked it a great deal and, much to my surprise, so did I. We had a lot of fun bowling and playing golf from the comfort of our living room. Your machine made me enjoy video games again, a feeling I hadn’t experienced since early adolescence. Not long after that, my wife was kind enough to buy me, for my birthday, a game for the Wii called Dead Rising: Chop ‘til You Drop. It was then, Japan, that I knew you were put on this Earth to serve me.

With that one game, you turned me from a believer into a demanding asshole. I absolutely love dressing up as a woman and beating zombies to death with bowling balls. You, the kind folks of what is likely the second best Asian country (Hi, Eh!), allowed me to dismember reanimated corpses with weed whackers and lawnmowers, with tennis rackets and mannequins. After I beat that game (boo-yah!), I moved on to Ghostbusters and Resident Evil and some other game that allows me to kill dinosaurs with a giant fucking battle axe. As your master, I am pleased.

But I want more.

For your next assignment, you are to create a Wii game modeled after Giant Killer Eels. I want to be able to choose from a wide variety of characters. And the eels, make them as big as you can. After you’ve done that, make them bigger. I want these eels to be big enough to have made Freud pass out from excitement. They must have teeth and come in two different colors. I want them to be extremely agile on both land and water. And I want them to be nearly invincible. My characters need to be able to run fast. In fact, I want this game to tap into the Wii fitness equipment I’ve already purchased. Running from giant monsters, to me, is better incentive to work out than pretending to skateboard.

Go forth, my friends. Do my Good Work.

Your friend,


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