Dear Strange Man in the Elevator


Dear Strange Man in the Elevator,

After thinking on the joke you made, I’ve decided that you’re a bad person.

I was uncomfortable with our exchange from the beginning due to the setting. I’ve never been fond of parking garage elevators. They smell like pee and broken dreams. I never would have taken it, but, as you so astutely pointed out, I had a dolly with me.

Sir, I was using that dolly to get some boxes from my car. Those boxes were filled with incentives for kids in order to keep them interested in reading. That’s what I do- I try to keep kids interested in books. That’s hard enough without your jokes.

When you said, “you’re too old to be playing with dollies,” I though you were harmless enough. Thinking you were a normal human being, I said that no one is too old to play with dollies. And that was when our conversation went sour.

I think I may have been put on this Earth to judge you. That may be my greater purpose in life. I’m drafting a list of people who will go to hell next December and you’re number two- right next to that asshole Travis who commented on my blog post about that asshole with the bumper sticker.

Guys talk about things. I get this. I’m not comfortable with it, but I understand. There’s the compulsion that comes with too much testosterone to say something degrading and embarrassing. I wish it wasn’t the case. I wish you had been an elderly woman.

Because when you said, “yeah, everyone should play with dolls so long as they’re 5’2″, 120 pounds, he he he,” it made me want to throw up. Do you know who you described, Strange Man in the Elevator? A twelve-year-old. And not just any twelve-year-old, but the twelve-year-old version of my friend Phil. Phil and I used to be wrestling partners in junior high. He went on to become my best friend.

I don’t want to think of you having sexual intercourse with my friend Phil, Strange Man in the Elevator. In fact, I don’t want to think about you having sexual intercourse with anyone.

Why, Strange Man in the Elevator, would you make me want to think about you having sexual intercourse? Is that not weird for you? Because it’s weird for me.

In the future, I’d appreciate it if you would park your Honda CRX in a different parking garage. And please don’t talk to anyone until you’ve taken some sort of class.

Thank you,
Caris O’Malley
Adventurer, Author, Librarian


2 thoughts on “Dear Strange Man in the Elevator

  1. I can’t believe I read the whole thing before realizing it was written by someone I know. Stop being so melodramatic. You’ve no doubt had similar, yet not-so-disillusioning reservations about a dozen things I’ve said in the way of small talk and general banter. Old men don’t (usually) want to rape twelve-year-old wrestling parters of yours simply because they make a rather on-the-nose pun about your doll(y)(ie). What makes you think he even knows Phil?

    With Regards and Undying Friendship,
    Mark Burns
    Author–Genre:Extremely Short Fiction, Sub Genre:Blog Posts, Broke Philanthropist, Rain Maker

    1. You’re right. But, in my defense, I’ve blogged about all of the things you said, too. It was a different blog. A secret, but widely-read blog. One you will never know about, but that centers only on you. Forget I said anything.

      And I asked Phil, who said he’d been screwed before by that very man. Sad time.

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