I never really liked Zelda.
I only ever played Link: Zelda 2 on my NES. I could never understand it. I mean, you send this little pixely guy around a grid and get attacked in really uncool ways by things you could never identify. Or maybe you could. If so, this review is not for you. Fuck off.
Whilst reading Scott Pilgrim #4, in which Scott does battle with Ramona’s Evil Ex-Girlfriend, I learned something about Zelda. See, throughout the Scott Pilgrim series, there are funny little old school videogame references….
Sidebar: Michael totally went to some sort of castration appointment this weekend, so I was flying solo at the midnight movies this weekend. As I was sitting through Birdemic: Shock and Terror again, some clever asshole started shouting “Galaga! Galaga!” over and over again when the characters were shooting at the attacking birds. But he was pronouncing it totally wrong. He was saying Guuuhhhhh-Lahhhh-Guuuhhhhh instead of Gaaaal-AAAAA-Guuuuhhhhh. Pissed me off.
…peppered throughout the story. In this volume, they centered on Zelda. One of things that annoyed me the most about the game was that sometimes you’d try to attack an elf or wandering hermit (or whatthefuckever it was) and it would just give you some cryptic advice. I was always like, “Fuck you , elf!” But this book leads me to believe that the little bastard was prompting me to enter a cheat code of some kind.
I didn’t even know Zelda had cheat codes!!!
I used to love cheat codes. For example, for Mortal Kombat 2, I paid cash money for a book of cheat codes. If I wanted to, I could totally surpass everyone in the game and battle Shao Kahn directly. Plus, I could make myself invincible beforehand. That way, no matter what that evil sonofabitch did, he couldn’t hurt me. So I defeated him every time. It kind of kicked ass.
I am not a gamer. For the most part, video games frustrate me. But I am always absurdly proud of myself when I beat one, even when I use a cheat code. I never made it fifteen minutes into Zelda, but if I’d known what to tell that goddamned elf, things might have gone differently.
P.S. Does anyone know what to say to that elf? What happens when you say it?