An Open Letter to Netflix; Or, Why Netflix is a Giant Asshole

ramblings

Dear Netflix,

As you might guess, I, like many others, am dismayed at your recent decision to increase the cost of my Netflix subscription by sixty fucking percent. I have been a loyal customer for several years and have stayed the course through many of your other douchebag moves, but this one has me eyeing the lifeboat. Before I go, I want to give you the opportunity to reverse your decision.

Why should you do that, you ask?

I’m so glad you asked. I’ve got ten reasons.

10. There’s a DVD that’s been sitting on my table for three weeks. Before that, there was one that had been sitting there for two months. You’re seriously going to charge me $7.99 a month for the privilege to have your crap clutter my coffee table?

9. I am the sole reason why you didn’t waste your money buying all of those SyFy Channel original movies. I don’t watch your highly coveted new releases. I only watch the shit no one else does. If you’re going to offer tiered plans, shouldn’t you factor that in? Without me, those discs are going to grow pot bellies and start using recreational drugs just to stave off the boredom that comes from continual disuse.

8. Half of your fucking discs are scratched. And you have yet to compensate me monetarily for any movie I didn’t get to watch the whole way through. I’ve let that slide for years, but you’re willing to sodomize me with your silver spoon?

7. Is the extra money you’re bringing in going to compensate those other gauging, whiny bastards we affectionately call cable companies? Cox has been bitching that you’re eating up all the bandwidth and, as such, has proposed charging me more. Is this some effort to protect me from them? Am I simply investing this money in my own entertainment future? Will this move make them finally shut the fuck up? Or are you just contributing to an ever-growing initiative intended to steal every last cent I’ve got to spend?

6. Your recommendation engine has let me down many times. Because of this, I have been often unhappy with your product. That seems like a reason to lower prices to me, not increase them.

5. Just a couple of months ago, you raised your prices. Exactly whose business model are you following here? The United States Government’s?

4. Your selection is full of filler. If I’m paying more, why is that list of indefinitely unavailable titles at the bottom of my queue growing larger every day. If I’m going to be paying you 60% more, I’d like at least 60% of those titles to actually be available.

3. Because of your poor efforts at software development, I am unable to download the app necessary to watch movies on my microwave.

2. The lack of effort you put toward subtitling/captioning your streaming films is appalling.

1. Because you’re being greedy fucking bastards. It costs you pennies to provide me with the movies I stream. I would need to watch something like 400-600 movies each month for my habit to cut into your profits. By pennies. Do you know how many movies I watch each month, Netflix? Two or three. If I’m lucky. You are already reaping an enormous profit from my patronage. The fact that you are able to keep putting video stores out of business is a testament to this fact. You should really take a hard look at yourselves and decide if this is really where you want to go (I’m looking at you, Reed Hastings, you philanthropist fuck.). I’ve been told that shitty moves like this have an impact on the afterlife. Your call.

I hope you’ll consider my thoughts and use them constructively. But, more importantly, I hope you will all go fuck yourselves while I figure out how to steal cable from my neighbor.

Sincerely yours,
Caris

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