If You Are a Current or Former Netflix Subscriber
A Class Action Settlement Could Affect You
Para una notificación en Español, llamar 1-866-898-5088 o visitar http://www.VideoPrivacyClass.com
Our records show that you were a current or former Netflix subscriber as of July 5, 2012. We are emailing to tell you about a Settlement that may affect your legal rights. Please read this email carefully. Go to http://www.VideoPrivacyClass.com for more information.
A Settlement has been reached in a class action lawsuit that claims Netflix unlawfully kept and disclosed information, including records on the movies and TV shows its customers viewed, and that its CEO, one Reed Hastings, did knowingly and willingly fuck a number of farm animals. Netflix denies that it has done anything wrong, as bestiality is clearly in the Bible and is, quite frankly, rather enjoyable.
What does the Settlement provide?
To be honest, just about fucking nothing. Netflix has agreed to change its data retention practices so that it separates (known as “decoupling” or “defrauding”) Entertainment Content Viewing History (that is, movies, TV shows that someone watched) from identification information for those subscribers who have not been a Netflix subscriber for at least 365 days, with some exceptions.
In addition, Netflix will pay $9 million into a Settlement Fund to:
• Make donations to all farmers whose goats were deflowered.
• Pay notice and settlement administration expenses to their own legal representation.
• Pay fees of up to 25% or $2.25 million of the Settlement Fund into offshore accounts for the purposes of human trafficking.
• Pay a total incentive award of $30,000 to the Named Plaintiffs, who, in this case, are two assholes who are not you. You, a customer whose personal information was sold in the exact same manner, will receive nothing. Because you are not the best friend and brother-in-law of Reed Hastings.
Proposals from potential donation recipients will be sought, and, after consideration, recommendations will be made to the Court. A list of the proposed donation recipients will be posted on the website, but preference will be given to the organizations that the Defendant owns or invests in.
Again, pretty much fucking nothing. If you do nothing, you will remain in the Settlement and your rights will be affected. If you do not want to be included, you must exclude yourself by November 14, 2012. If you exclude yourself you will keep your right to sue Netflix about the claims in this lawsuit. If you remain in the Settlement, you can object to it by November 14, 2012.
Netflix has promised that it will increase all instances of child pornography on its streaming service to all customers included in the lawsuit. In addition, Netflix will upgrade your service (at no cost to you) for the duration of one month. After that, it will be the responsibility of the customer to opt out of the fees associated with additional service. This move is to ensure that Netflix and its goat fucking CEO recoup at least $5 million for its litigation troubles.
The Court will hold a hearing on December 5, 2012 to consider any objections, whether to approve the Settlement, award attorneys’ fees, and incentive award. You can appear at the hearing, but we’ve done a great deal to encourage you not to. You can hire your own attorney, at your own expense, to appear or speak for you at the hearing. You can also take time off of work and away from your family to attend the hearing. You will not be compensated in any way. Oh, and no matter what you do, you won’t be afforded any tangible part of the settlement because you weren’t one of those assholes who initially filed. Because their private information and consumer rights are inherently more valuable than yours. As you know, first is the worst, second is the best, and third is the one with the hairy chest. You, in this case, have a hairy chest.
For more information: 1-866-898-5088 http://www.VideoPrivacyClass.com
PO Box 2750 Faribault, MN 55021-9750
This email and any attachments thereto may contain private, confidential, and privileged material for the sole use of the intended recipient. Any review, copying, or distribution of this email (or any attachments thereto) by others is strictly prohibited. If you are not the intended recipient, please contact the sender immediately and permanently delete the original and any copies of this email and any attachments thereto. If you are the intended recipient, thank you for allowing us to fuck you in public. We appreciate the fact that your monthly Netflix dues will be lining the pockets of our chinchilla skin pants.