For the rest of you sophisticates, I offer you Rare Exports. There’s not a lot happening in rural Norway. The adults are herding reindeer, the kids are enjoying their snowmobiles, and the archaeologists are excavating Santa from an earthly prison deep inside of a mountain. One of the kids catches on to what’s going down and spends a night researching the true story of the man in red. Luckily, his home library is incredibly expansive, even though his family is very clearly living in poverty. Those Norweigans have their priorities straight.
No amount of knowledge halts progress, though, and the scientists, on Christmas Eve, succeed. For the first time in centuries, Santa’s free and ready to deck the halls with entrails.