For serious? You’re gonna let me go down like this?

ramblings, writing

After all I’ve done for you, the least you can do is buy this last copy of The Egg Said Nothing.

Buy it!


One copy of The Egg left on Amazon! Someone buy that fucker right now!

ramblings, writing

Dear friends, incorrigible assholes, complete strangers, and fuckwits,

There’s just one copy of The Egg Said Nothing left in stock on Now is the time for you to buy it. Don’t hesitate. Just do it.

If you do, Amazon will be forced to restock. That will mean ordering a new batch, which will bring me ever closer to my goal.

Help, friends. You’re beautiful people. Open your wallets to me. Just click that book cover to the right of my blog there. You see it? That’s the thing your bathroom is missing.


I need your fucking help!!

ramblings, writing

Hey folks,

As you may or may not know, that thing of genius I wrote a while back reaches its one year anniversary this month. Yay, eggs!

What you probably don’t know is that my publisher, Eraserhead Press, set a sales goal. If I don’t reach 200 paperback sales by November 1st, I’m fucked. They will kill me. And eat my body. And probably sell my brain to the Smithsonian or something. And keep the profits.

What can you do to save my life, my body, and my brain? That’s easy! Buy a copy of The Egg Said Nothing from this month. See? Simple.

“But Caris,” you say. “I already bought a copy of that goddamned thing.”


“But Caris,” you say. “Amazon is an evil monster and I don’t want to support them.”

Fuck that shit, I reply. Fuck it really bad. This is a piece of history we’re talking about. If you already have a copy, buy another one. A backup one. A gift. A library donation. Whatever. Don’t fucking bother me with particulars. Just buy one.

Because if you don’t, you may never hear another word form me again. And my ego says that would suck.

For you. Just to clarify.

Buy one. Or two. Or a multiple of two. Just don’t buy zero. I only need to sell 20 more copies.

Stay tuned for more updates.

Oh, yeah. I will stop the updates when I reach my twenty sales, if that encourages you to buy.

Illegally download The Egg Said Nothing today!!

ramblings, writing

Hey everybody! I’ve hit the big time. Two days ago, some kind soul from South Korea uploaded my book to a bittorrent service! So kick back with your favorite torrent interface and get this little piece of history absolutely free!!

Why do I support the exploitation of my intellectual property? Because those who bought my book, I feel, have the right to share it with whomever they choose. Anyone who purchased my ebook on Amazon can attest that it is wonderfully DRM-free (because I try my best to not be an evil fuckstick). The way I see it, if my work is good, perhaps today’s downloaders will become tomorrow’s paying customers. So, whether you’ve bought my book or not, please download (and seed) the file. Let’s work together to get the word out about this awesome opportunity to get something for nothing. And, what’s more, since I am the copyright holder AND am giving permission, this is NO LONGER AN ILLEGAL DOWNLOAD. So enjoy this “get out of jail free” card.

Get The Egg Said Nothing here. Absolutely free.

If you don’t know how to do this, the process is pretty simple. Start by downloading and installing uTorrent. uTorrent is a bittorrent client that is super easy to use and compromises very little of your computing power. Shop smart, shop S-Mart. After that, go to the URL above and click the link that says “[C]lick here to download the torrent” (it’s under the second heading- be sure that you don’t click “Download this torrent anonymously Using BtGuard – Click here for more info”). After the file has finished downloading, just open it; uTorrent will do the rest. Transfer the files to your favorite e-reader and immerse yourself in shovel deaths. I will try not to splatter you too badly.

Gimme some sugar, baby.


I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who bought a copy of The Egg Said Nothing in the month of June. Together, we were able to raise $123.71 for The Royale.

I hope to see you all at The Royale for the grand opening this Friday, July 22. They’ll be showing Trollhunter and Army of Darkness. Groovy, eh?

The cover has been unveiled!


A little bit about it: As you may have guessed (if your brain is, in fact, functional) the cover image is a parody of the iconic “American Gothic” painting by Grant Wood. This subject of this piece is often believed to be a man and his wife, when, in reality, it is of a man and his daughter. I chose this particular image because it documents (among other things) the traditional roles of men and women in American society. One of the predominant themes in The Egg Said Nothing is change. While our society has experienced a lot of change over the last century, there’s no denying that many of our ingrained perceptions ring true. Mindless acceptance of such beliefs forges us into idiots, with nothing in our heads worth mentioning. Can we change? Should we? Is there a point?