The Magnificent Seven

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The next generation of bizarro has arrived. Meet the authors of Eraserhead Press’ New Bizarro Author Series.

Called The Magnificent Seven by adoring fans across the globe, these assholes are bringing you what you didn’t know you were missing. There’s a whole lotta weird shit going on here, so check it out:

Muscle MemorySteve Lowe

Billy Gillespie wakes up one morning to discover his junk is gone. In its place is his wife’s junk. Billy is now Tina, and Tina is dead. That’s because Billy’s dead. His lifeless body is still in bed and empty beer bottles and a container of antifreeze litter the kitchen counter. Over the next 24 hours, Billy and an odd assortment of neighbors, all experiencing their own bouts of body switcheroo, try to figure out what happened and why. Can they do it before the Feds find Billy’s body? Was it aliens that caused this, or God, or the government? And did Edgar Winter really sleep with his sheep? Pro football Hall of Famer Terry Bradshaw has those answers in a story that asks, What Would Kirk Cameron Do?

How to Eat Fried FurriesNicole Cushing

Furries-you know, people in animal costumes. You may love them. You may hate them. But chances are, you have not considered eating them…until now! Not since the early days of Monty Python has dark satire so subversive reared its ugly head! From the Hellmouth of the Heartland, Nicole Cushing brings you How To Eat Fried Furries-your guide on how to raise furries as livestock and cook ’em up tender and tasty. The cast of characters is as motley and grotesque as one would imagine given such a premise. There’s the misshapen, proto-furry cast of the ’70s action-adventure show, Ferret Force Five. Extraterrestrial Squirrels. The Amish and the even more despicable Pseudo-Amish. Whether an avid Bizarro fan or a newcomer to this wave of weird fiction, you’re bound to be satisfied once you take a bite out of How To Eat Fried Furries.

Love in the Time of DinosaursKirsten Alene

DINOSAURS! LOVE! WAR! MONASTIC LIVING! Three days after his partner is bitten in half by a brachiosaur, a nameless monk meets the love of his life. Her name is Petunia. She is a dinosaur. But a twenty-year war between their species is about to come to a head, and only one will survive. To be together, the monk and the dinosaur must fight their way through hordes of pterodactyl samurai, anti-aircraft stegosaurs, gigantic kamikaze moths, and machine gun-wielding tyrannosaurs. Love in the Time of Dinosaurs is a surreal war tale of forbidden love, betrayal, and magic kung-fu. Forget Jurassic Park, this is the greatest dinosaur story ever told.

Felix and the Sacred ThorJames Steele

HUMANITY’S FATE IS IN THE HANDS OF HE WHO WIELDS THE SACRED THOR! “Epic quests don’t involve the internet or TV! They involve sex toys and manly, hard-bodied, larger-than-life heroes defying physics, logic and insurmountable odds, spitting out quotable, highly marketable catchphrases all the while!” -The Sacred Horse Felix might not quite fit this description, but he’s trying. After retrieving the most powerful weapon in the world from the Sacred Horse and proving himself a pervert of the purest heart, he sets upon an epic quest to destroy the kamikaze alien invaders poised to eliminate the entire human race. Invaders have implanted themselves in the college graduates standing in unemployment lines-the very backbone of the nation’s economy. They’ve positioned themselves in the city’s grease transmission system, without which America will starve to death in minutes. They threaten the digital children, who cannot survive without their Internet connections. They even threaten Bob. College taught Felix how to please a horse. It didn’t prepare him for the challenge of using an upgradeable horse dildo as a weapon to free himself from his tyrannical bosses at work and become a warrior for humanity.

Uncle Sam’s Carnival of Copulating InanimalsKirk Jones

Reborn as an oozing humanoid composed of vitreous humor after a sudden death via a disembodied hand and a wood chipper, Gary Olstrom found no difficulty in saying goodbye to the life he once knew. After all, he had become quite adept at saying goodbye, to his right arm in a hardware store accident at eight, to his parents in a fiery car crash, to his right leg in a factory mishap, and to the only person who ever tried to help him in an untimely bus collision. What he never prepared for was saying goodbye to misfortune, until he found Uncle Sam’s Carnival of Copulating Inanimals. Therein, Gary finds refuge training furniture to copulate before spectators who vomit in applause. But while Gary’s luck shifts for the better, cities left in the wake of the carnival’s visits disappear; many are murdered. With his pet desk Akimbo and his empty-socketed girlfriend-turned-futon, Liberty, Gary attempts to unravel this mystery, culminating in a re-imagining of America to rival that of Benedict Anderson’s! Well, not quite…but there is furniture porn.

Bucket of FaceEric Hendrixson

Thirteen years after a police officer searching a suspected child
molester’s home spilled a vial of silver pollen, America is still
struggling with how to recognize its sentient fruit population.
Charles is just a normal guy working at a doughnut shop until an apple
and a banana shoot each other in a mafia dispute, leaving a briefcase
full of foreign currency and a specimen bucket at the corner booth.
When Charles turns the wiseguys into doughnuts and steals their
luggage, hoping for a better life for himself and his kiwi fruit
girlfriend, he finds himself in the middle of a mafia war. As his
girlfriend travels the DC metro area, selling off the contents of the
bucket, Charles finds he is the target of a seasoned hit-tomato, who
happens to be the biggest Michael Jackson fan who ever lived.

The Egg Said NothingCaris O’Malley

Meet Manny. He’s your average shut-in with a penchant for late night television and looting local fountains for coins. With eight locks on his door and newspapers covering his windows, he’s a more than a bit paranoid, too. His wasn’t a great life, but it was comfortable-at least it was until the morning he awoke with an egg between his legs. But what might have been a curse becomes a charm as this unlikely event leads him to all night diner, where he finds inedible pie, undrinkable coffee, and the girl of his dreams. But can this unexpected chance at love survive after the egg cracks and time itself turns against him, dead-set on rerouting history and putting a shovel to the face of the one person who could bring real and lasting change to Manny’s world?

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